The Protocol Library

A protocol is not a diagnosis and it is not a rule someone hands you. In RK's words from the first published one, it is a named, structured agreement a person makes with themselves, in advance of the feedback that will eventually arrive, about how they will hold that feedback when it does. Most people have only reflexes for that moment. The library replaces the reflex with a procedure.

Published so far

The Seven Tails Protocol. When seven independent people from seven different directions have confirmed the same thing about you, the evidence has crossed a threshold. Until then, note what you are told without absorbing it and without dismissing it, and wait.

The library

Ten protocols, built across the twelve sessions. The Protocol Library governs you. The Relational Playbook, built in Session 11, governs the relationship.

1. The Seven Tails Protocol (ongoing)
   When outside feedback conflicts with how you see yourself. One person's feedback is one data point. Note it without absorbing or dismissing it. At seven independent confirmations from seven directions, it is a pattern, and the Cocoon begins.
2. The Cocoon Protocol (ongoing)
   When the Seven Tails threshold is met. Step back from the version of yourself under examination and ask three questions: Is this my tail? Did I choose it? Do I want to keep it? The Cocoon ends with a decision, not a reaction.
3. The Hand to Mouth Protocol (Session 7)
   When fight-or-flight arrives during conflict with someone you love. A physical and cognitive reset for the first 19 to 21 minutes of conflict, while the stress response is running. Name the physical state, eat or drink something slowly, breathe, then speak from intention.
4. The Sharing vs. Discussing Protocol (Session 1)
   Before any significant conversation. The seven-word question: "Are you Sharing, or are we Discussing?" Wait for the answer, enter the named mode, and stay in it. The foundational protocol; everything else depends on it.
5. The Pause Protocol (Session 7)
   When conflict is escalating past what Hand to Mouth can hold. An agreed Pause phrase either partner can speak. The conversation stops, counts as neither a win nor a concession, and resumes later.
6. The 24-Hour Debrief Protocol (Session 7)
   After any conflict, within 24 hours. Each partner writes independently: What triggered me? What went unspoken? What would I do differently? Then share, to find the pattern under the argument.
7. The Direct Request Protocol (Session 10)
   When a need is going unspoken. Ask directly, in behavioral language: "When ___ happens, I feel ___, and what I need from you in that moment is ___." The listener receives first and responds later.
8. The Appreciation Protocol (Session 9)
   Once a day. Name one specific, observed behavior out loud. Not "I appreciate you" but "I noticed you chose patience in that moment." Looking for something specific rewires what you notice.
9. The Conversation Architecture Protocol (Session 5)
   Before opening a hard conversation you would normally just launch into. A three-part opening: state your intent, name the specific situation, ask permission. It pairs with Sharing vs. Discussing: name the mode, then build the opening.
10. Listening as a Discipline (Session 6)
    When someone is telling you something that matters to them. Built on the Listening Ladder: hearing, listening, understanding, being present. Let them finish, then take the second pause: ask "Is there more?" and wait.

Ten named protocols to start. Then you write your own: protocols drawn from your own lived experience, recorded in your Relational Playbook.

Each protocol comes with its full step-by-step procedure inside the program.